What Can Brown Do For You?

You can deliver my effin’ package, that’s what you can do!

Perhaps someone can enlighten me on how this situation can occur. But for now, let me give you the frustrating consumer perspective.

Background. Nicole and I are in the process of preparing for the arrival of our son. So that means taking a close look around the house for obvious hazards. Our living room entertainment center consists of a big-ass TV on top of an open metal and glass stand. Looks great, but all the wires are exposed in the back and it would be incredibly easy for the electronics to be pulled off the shelf. Of course, being a woodworker, I would love to build a suitable wood entertainment center. Unfortunately, there just isn’t enough time right now, so we were forced to buy something that will work in the interim.

I placed the order with Amazon.com last week and took advantage of the free shipping through Amazon Prime. Love me some Prime! So today, we have this call waiting for us on the answering machine:

UPS

So apparently, they received a package, transported it to Phoenix, but now have absolutely no way of delivering it to my house??? Could someone please explain how something like this can happen? Fortunately, I have a pickup truck. But I’d be pretty screwed if I didn’t. And unfortunately, I am the only able-bodied person in the family right now so transporting this thing myself and getting it into the house is going to be a bitch! I just wish I knew why UPS would accept a package they have no way to deliver…. This is certainly not the worst thing UPS has done to us (damaged packages), but it is certainly one of the most hilariously moronic.

Wisdom From Seinfeld and Larry David

If you ask me, Seinfeld was one of the best shows ever on television. Curb Your Enthusiasm is right up there for the same set of reasons. I like these shows primarily because they thrive on making comedy out of annoying, awkward, and even mundane daily occurrences. Somehow, they make an average day on this Earth just a little more amusing. Whether its the lady at Dunkin’ Donuts that can’t control her rambunctious kid or the guy sitting in the nice restaurant wearing a bright green bluetooth headset, life is freakin’ funny!

Oftentimes, these shows will focus on something that really resonates with me, and it forever changes the way I interpret that situation whenever it occurs in my life. Here’s an example. I was watching one of the Seinfeld episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm (season 7) where Larry and Jerry were discussing how the phrase, “Now that said…”, pretty much sets you up to negate everything you said previously. For instance: “I really think you’re pretty and you’re a great kisser. Now that said….(insert insult)…..” Hilarious! I know I won’t be using that phrase much anymore. Anyway, this reminded me of some other phrases and ways of wording things that tend to set you up to contradict yourself. Here are two that really grind my gears (channeling Peter Griffin).

“No offense but…..”

This one hardly needs explanation. We all know that whatever follows “No offense but….” is going to absolutely without a doubt offend the person you’re saying it to. No offense but your breath stinks. No offense but cargo shorts are not fashionable. What’s really annoying about it, is most people use it to help soften the blow. Unfortunately, all it does is say, “I’m about to say something shitty, and here it is!”

“Just sayin'”

This is one that I have griped about numerous times. It is often said after saying something insulting, annoying, petty, or witty (or so they think). But you want to know what I picture when I hear this phrase? A 16 year old girl in pig tails texting on her phone and snapping gum. “Like oh my god! Can you believe she is going out with him? He’s such a douche. Just sayin’!” So if you don’t mind that image snapping into my head (and probably others) go ahead and keep using that phrase. Although it grinds my gears, it also makes me giggle.

Now that said, if you happen to be a 16 year old girl, you’re good to go….no offense.